There can be frustration in the process. I know there is for me. It’s the frustration of what is – sick, broke, tired of the cold weather, and what seems to be a steady stream of struggle to get by.
This is the process. I also adore it.
It is the process of movement. The process of direction. The process of stillness. And the process of expectation.
Without this process I would not be.
I think the frustration and weariness comes from waiting for something to break. For life to break. And by break, I mean, a sign of progress within this process. Is this writing a sign? Are my questions? Is it really life that needs to break, or more accurately, me? I do.
I need to break. I need a break. A break from my mind, from age-old thoughts and long unfulfilled desires. A break from family. A break from work. Is it possible for an eternal soul to grow weary?
These thoughts are for no one, not even you. These words are nothing but my mind breathing. These words are nothing but my mind breathing, releasing, letting go…letting back in…letting go…letting back in…
I am working on getting back to my stillness. That is the direction of my process. To be back to a place of unknown, not needing to know, not caring. A place where I was content with what was and welcomed what came. There was a point where I had a close dialogue with my inner Self. I buried it over the years, decades. Buried it with false expectations, education, work, uncertainty, people pleasing, pretending….
That is all stopping. It has not worked for me. It has not been enjoyable. I am not here to impress anyone and I need to stop acting and being that way. This I know. I have to stop believing I am responsible for how others feel, what they think or how they act. I do not care. I am not here to impress them. I am here only for me. I am here only to live life for me, as me. There are no agendas. No contracts to fulfill or complete. No rewards to be given out. No parties to attend.
A change in work, in employment. A change in income source. A stream so large it would last 100 lifetimes. It is there, waiting for me. It is on cue, up next just waiting for the door to open, the curtain to be raised, the levee to be released. That is the break that is coming. It is so close, around the corner. A floodgate of worthiness and fortune. This is now starting.
It is the result of my new beingness. Much of my life was driven by doingness. What am I doing? How am I doing? What are you doing? These are where the false starts began. Falseness hides in doing. It was no fun being fake. Even when there were smiles, as I said above, they were hollow.
Now I am real. Now I am here. Now I am allowing. Allowing my old world and ways to crumble and disappear back to the emptiness from which they came. Breathing in and letting go. You have served me well and brought me this far. Your work is done. A new light has emerged, and I am following it.